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Tag Archives: funny

U……….Umbrella ☔️

24 Friday Apr 2015

Posted by Marianne On a Mission in Uncategorized

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

funny, History of umbrella, Umbrella, umbrella superstition

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You take it pretty much for granted, the umbrella. It falls out of the coat closet whenever you don’t need it and gets hopelessly tangled up with its cousins when you’re trying to drag it out so you can get to the car in a downpour. And the one you keep in the car? You know, the one you started to toss in the trash because its spokes are bent and it doesn’t stay open but then you thought well, it would be ok to keep it in the car, what the heck. Yeh, that one…….it’s stuck for good under the back seat, so forget about it.

The umbrella offers protection from the weather, be it too wet or too hot. Unless you’re Mary Poppins and then it’s a handy means of transportation. I wondered when my fellow humans came up with this very human tool.

imageUmbrellas appear in the art and artifacts of civilizations such as Assyria, Greece, and China going back about four thousand years. They were mainly sunshades until the Chinese created an oiled, shellacked paper parasol that kept the rain off. Off the emperor, not you or me. It was strictly a high society accessory.

The waterproof bumbershoot became more necessity than accessory in the wet, rainy climate of the British Isles. What’s more British than a man and his tightly furled umbrella? He kept it to himself for some time, racing gallantly to the rescue of helpless females caught in the rain, until women were permitted at last to carry their own, as long as theirs were dainty and pretty, not big and useful.

Speaking of useful, once women assumed control of the umbrella, they found it could make a very handy weapon, should the need arise. Keep your distance, sir! image

Umbrellas now come in all shapes (mostly still round, however) and sizes (the little decoration on your fancy drink, your huge golf umbrella) made from all kinds of materials. You can see through the clear plastic ones, such as the kind Queen Elizabeth II carries. Or you can find ones made of bullet-proof Kevlar, which can be used as shields. I mean, that’s real protection.

You can fold them up tiny to fit in your pocket when you travel, or erect a special giant size one to create your own shady spot on a scorching beach. You can shape your environment, no matter where you are.

My grandmother always said it was unlucky to open an umbrella in the house. I’ll bet it would have been, if we had, say, knocked over one of her lamps with one.

For the record, she also said you would go blind if you wore galoshes in the house. Just sayin’.

And to imagine that people just five thousand years ago used to get all wet or overheated without umbrellas. What did they do about their hair, for Pete’s sake? Their complexion? Think about those folks next time you hide under your “portable roof!”

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Q……..Quirks

20 Monday Apr 2015

Posted by Marianne On a Mission in Uncategorized

≈ 10 Comments

Tags

funny, habits, Quirks, things people do, Writing quirks

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We all have quirks. Our little habits or routines. Those personal behaviors or peculiar actions we don’t even think about. You know, knuckle cracking, naming your plants or vehicles, eating only one food at a time from your dinner plate.

Green M&MS?

Recognize anyone? Not you, of course.

I had a teacher who absolutely hated mechanical pencils. She could spot one a mile away. This was particularly bad for me since I did, and still do, prefer using mechanical pencils. She kept a drawerful of used, chewed up, stubby, wooden #2 pencils and would foist one on me and confiscate my blue plastic PaperMate until class was over.

Me, I read anything. I mean cereal boxes, fine print, directions, labels….. I read an interesting toilet paper wrapper not too long ago. Fact: if you are not satisfied with or just need to comment on your TP, you may report to a street address, via email, or at a website. Please have the roll from the package. Of course I checked. There is an identifying number printed inside the roll. Reading maketh the man, or woman. I learned.

imageDo you always put your left shoe on first? Sort your French fries according to size? Say “Rabbit, rabbit” when you wake up on the first of the month? Do crossword puzzles in ink? Only eat sandwiches cut on the diagonal?

I know many of us writers have this little quirk: we mentally correct bad spelling, grammar, and punctuation.  Written or spoken. Everywhere. We must. I’m so ticked when I spot this stuff in published works, I actually mark it.

Send me some of your personal quirks and I’ll do a compilation in one of my regular blog posts.

What makes your quirk unique? What’s the most unique quirk you’ve ever witnessed? Do quirks drive you crazy? Which quirk do you love best? Whose is it? Yours or another’s? Do you recognize your own? Would you change your quirks?  How do you use quirks for your characters when writing? Show me QUIRKY!

Is it quirky to do the A to Z Blog Challenge? 😏 I’ll speak for myself!

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J……..this is a tough one.

12 Sunday Apr 2015

Posted by Marianne On a Mission in Uncategorized

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

funny, joke history, Jokes, jokesters

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JOKES! That’s it! I love jokes. I love joking…..I’m always joking. A joker, that’s me.

In fact, I come from a long line of folks who joke.

Here’s one my brother always used to tell when he was a kid:

“Two little boys were sitting on a fence and one said to the other one, ‘Oh, you’re so dumb you don’t even know George Washington is dead,’ and the other one said ‘Dead? I didn’t even know he was sick.'” HAHAHAHAHAHAHA……..hilarious! He told that joke about a kajillion times.

Jokes can be good, bad, corny, dirty, pithy, long or short. Here’s a one-liner: A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says, hey get outta here, we don’t serve mushrooms and the mushroom says Why not, I’m a fungi.

Jokes and jokers have been around for thousands of years. The Emperor Augustus, for instance, was quite the funster. Here’s one of his: a nervous man was trying to give him a petition and kept drawing his hand back. So Augustus quipped, “Do you think you’re giving a penny to an elephant?” I don’t get it but who would NOT laugh at Caesar Augustus, right?

What goes Ha, ha, thump? A guy laughing his head off.

You got your blonde jokes, your knock knock jokes, your political jokes…..well, that’s a no brainer.

Stay joking, my friends!  And I’m not kidding!

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Supermarket + 10-almost-11 year old boy = …………

24 Tuesday Jun 2014

Posted by Marianne On a Mission in Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

funny, kids, no school, summer

R: I don’t like the small carts. Let’s get a big one so I can ride on the front.

I like the small ones, they’re easier to push. And I can’t push the big cart with big fat you on the front anyway.

R: okay, I’ll drive it. I can practice my real driving skills. Not this one. Let’s get a better one inside.

R selects a shopping cart and makes a U-turn, missing his mentor by an inch. Doors open, we are shopping.

First, fruits and veggies.

R: I’m not big on salad. We don’t need more of that. Wait, those tomatoes grow on a vine? Ours don’t grow on vines. Cool. Oh, avocados…..my mom and dad like them but I just can’t like them. It’s the consistency. It’s like too-soft butter. Yech. I don’t think I ever had grapefruit. What’s it like?

Like an orange. Juicy, red inside. We select a grapefruit for testing.

R: oh, I would try that. OOOOOOH…..WATERMELON! I LOVE WATERMELON! Can we get watermelon??

We choose a small watermelon.

R: can this whole thing be mine? It’s not very big. I can eat this whole thing, okay? There’s no milk inside this coconut. Aunt Joan says not to eat plain coconut. She had it in Ghana and it didn’t taste good. I think I would like this mozzarella. [we have moved on to fresh cheeses! olives! Italian style meats!] Can you make that pizza like you did before? That was so good.

We are suddenly in among the sushi, kimchi, and other Asian foods.

R: oh, can I get sushi? I can have it for lunch. They don’t have crab roll. Here’s cucumber roll. Can I get this?

We move on. There follows a critical remark or two about cart driving. Don’t go so fast. Ouch! Stay back a little more from my heels. Wait a minute til I put this in. Don’t crash into the old people…they have to go slower. Watch out turning corners. Pass on the left. THE LEFT! SLOW DOWN!

In the canned meats aisle, we are appropriately repelled by the canned octopus. But the snacks aisle requires some thoughtful research.

R: I like cheese puffs. Not Utz….I like Herr’s. It sounds funny when you say that: it’s not HERS, it’s Herr’s. I’m looking for the round ball ones. I never had them. I want to see how they feel in my mouth. I only had the curly ones. No, not those, that’s not the same thing. Well, I’ll get these.

And so it goes, through yogurt….

R: This is the kind my dad gets with the turquoise lid. Well, I like it but I really want to have the vanilla Greek yogurt because I don’t have that at home. The four-pack is a better buy than the individual ones. Can I get two? I’ll eat them in almost one shot. I’m going through a growth spurt…..I keep eating.

And Beef jerky…

R: oh please? This will just be a snack for me.

And bread…..

R: I really don’t like pumpernickel. It’s too dense. Let’s get this instead.

And finally, checkout, where my efficient helper loads the belt, packs the bags we’ve brought and stashes everything in the cart. I help. Plus, I drive home.

Yes, it takes longer ….. And probably costs a little more! But shopping with this guy is a summertime fun excursion I don’t mind. Look at all I learned!

Tomorrow: the bank and the post office. Who knows what wonders await? It’s all in the eye of the beholder!

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Marianne Kirby Rhodes

Marianne Kirby Rhodes

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