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Tag Archives: humor

G…..Gardening?

11 Saturday Apr 2015

Posted by Marianne On a Mission in Uncategorized

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Garden goofs, herbs, humor, poor gardener

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Subtitle of this post: Things I Am Not Good At.

If you are a follower of my regular blog, you have heard about my frustration with growing things. And maybe you remember how my grandmother, who shook her head despairingly over my black thumb, could resuscitate totally dead plants into thriving botanical wonders.

I try. Herbs in pots, who could go wrong with that? Here they were in a sunny garden window, last fall. imageimageimage

 

Here they are now. Oh, bitter day.

imageimage

My brother gave me a book for Christmas: Urban Gardening for Dummies. And I’ll try it, really I will. But I face the fact that I’ll never be mistaken for a gardener, urban or otherwise. Sorry.

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“D”…….Dad

04 Saturday Apr 2015

Posted by Marianne On a Mission in Uncategorized

≈ 10 Comments

Tags

A to Z Blog Challenge, Christmas, Dad, humor

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Like most dads, ours knew everything. Really. Just ask the question and you’d have an answer. No, THE answer.

“How come some guys don’t have hair on top of their heads? They only have frames around the sides.”

Well, their heads grew so much they pushed out of their hair.

Oh.

“What does blood taste like?”

Peaches.

Hmmmmm…..

Da….I always called him Da….was the one who taught us great words, like GAZONKSHTAHIGGIN and GESHICKTISS. Translation: thingamajig and yicky, as in “What’s that gazonkshtahiggin in your hand? You’re getting all geshicktiss.”

Da made the best Christmases ever. Christmas started early and ended, reluctantly, after New Year’s. He read the stories and listened to the carols on our little record player with us and always found the best tree.

He was the ruler of a magical empire of model trains, where on state occasions we were invited to enter and watch…..not touch…..the trains that ran round tracks that wound behind the stairs and up the walls and all over the old cellar where he spent so much time creating his masterpieces.

Da was in The War. Everybody was, back then. It was something that had to be done and that was that.

The thing we never expected was that Da would be our only parent for more than forty years. I know he never expected it. Mom suddenly wasn’t there anymore and it was him and four kids, two teenagers and two not even in school yet. It was numbing. For all of us.

But we all kept moving, not always confidently or even on the right foot. That’s how it was.

He was a father, grandfather and great grandfather. He came to graduations and weddings. He sat in a hospital room while his grandson battled a catastrophic illness and conspired with his great grandson to squash Easter peeps–those awful marshmallow chicks–in his chubby little hands. Geshicktiss!

I thought of blogging on Da because I just realized he’s been gone almost ten years. We thought he would be with us forever. It seemed like he was.

It seems like he is.

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“C” is for Cop Out

03 Friday Apr 2015

Posted by Marianne On a Mission in Uncategorized

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

Cats, humor, rescue cats

imageimage

No, I’m not really Copping out. I don’t feel very Creative. The thing is, I have a Cold and a Cough and I feel like Crap and it’s Cloudy and I’m just bummed. And that’s a B word.

My original plan was to Chat about Cats. My grand-Cats. I have three: two girls and one boy. So bear with me and I’ll tell you a little bit about Callie, Lucy, and Mojo.

Callie is the senior Cat at age eleven. image Never forget that. She doesn’t.

Callie talks all the time…..when she’s available. Most of the time she disdains general interaction with the hot polloi.

Next in seniority is Lucy. imageGotta love black cats. She’s an only-Cat and ok, spoiled a little. I mean, look at her….who could resist that face?

The baby of the family, and the lone boy, is Mojo.image

He is a no-kidding around kitten who tears around terrorizing his sister Callie. He’s the one who zips up to say hi when you come in, and walks you to the door when you leave. He likes Computer games, which turns out well for his dad, my human grandson.

The best thing about these Charming Cats is that they are all rescues. Chosen by their families. Cosseted, Cared for, Cherished, and loved. Loved, above all.

I feel better now.

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Blogging A to Z Challenge!

01 Wednesday Apr 2015

Posted by Marianne On a Mission in Uncategorized

≈ 10 Comments

Tags

Blog challenge, humor

image

Today’s post features the letter “A”

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Angst! Anxiety! Apprehension! Aaaaaaaauuuuuuggggghhhhhh!

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Wow, did I really commit to blogging my way through the alphabet? All twenty-six letters? Daily (except Sundays) for the entire month of April?

Yeppers. Looks like I did. So yes, I’m feeling all of those “A” words describing panic. And also feeling like the man…..or whatever it is….in Munch’s painting.

Ever experienced the phenomenon in which you can come up with a whole slew of ideas you would like to blog on? I mean, they just pop up like dandelions on a summer lawn. You’re on fire! Can’t wait to get online and get to it! Yeh!

Then when you MUST come up with an idea…..you blank. Got nothin’. OMG. Imminent failure. What do I know about anything, anything AT ALL, that begins with [fill in the letter!]?

Well, I can’t wait to find out!

Fortunately, the Alphabet posts don’t have to be long. Be back tomorrow to Blunder through something B.

You’ll get used to me.

 

 

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Hey, your shoelace is untied

31 Tuesday Mar 2015

Posted by Marianne On a Mission in Uncategorized

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

A to Z Blog Challenge, April Fool, humor

I know it’s not April 1 yet, but I’m setting the stage for a new venture. And I just wanted to get your attention. So bear with me.

I have joined (been wheedled and coerced into joining, actually) the 2015 A to Z Blogging Challenge. Beginning tomorrow, and continuing for twenty-six days in April, except Sundays, I’ll be posting a short piece on something….anything I want….that begins with a designated letter of the alphabet, in (alphabetical) order.

Bloggers, neophytes and veterans, from across the globe are taking part in the fun (I’ve been assured it’s fun). More than a thousand people, all ages, all kinds of experiences, writers, non-writers, wanna be writers, have signed up.

I have a few possible topics picked out but hey, followers, ideas and suggestions are most welcome. Pick a letter…..let me hear from you!

I’ll keep up with my So You Want To Be In Movies posts, too. I wouldn’t want to leave you hanging since I mentioned the real movie work was just beginning.

Don’t fall for any April Fool jokes! You probably don’t even have shoelaces.

This looks like a pretty good one, though.image

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So You Want To Be In Movies, Part 3

24 Tuesday Mar 2015

Posted by Marianne On a Mission in Uncategorized

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

film production, funny stuff, humor, movie production, Movies

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Okay, this post will be a bit out of sequence. Let’s talk about:

3. You are a prop. You must move when and where the little PAs tell you, in exactly the manner they command, or risk their exasperation and maybe even ridicule.

The job description here describes PAs as ‘gofers’ but they don’t agree with that. They are in charge of you bunch of idiots and don’t forget it. They carry clipboards and have earphones and yell ‘Settle down!’ frequently. Because you and the Crowd people are a large and noisy…..crowd. The PAs want you to listen. They have instructions for you. Such as:

‘No talking on the set. Listen to the director. Move quickly when we tell you. Absolutely no cell phones and NO PHOTOS. Don’t talk to the actors. Pay attention to what I tell you. Don’t leave the set.’ And a lot more. These are your acting classes. Listen and learn. Because your rookie mistakes will really annoy the PAs/gofers/storm troopers.

Here is where I will mention a point out of sequence. In No. 10, I say that by the end of the day, you will be plotting the death of at least one PA. And likely more. You will. Collecting candidates is part of the fun.

There was a particular PA who was one of those permanently disgruntled people. Nothing was to her standards. She spent the whole time disgusted with her charges. She frowned forever, and then she criticized without mercy. One particular extra’s transgression was spilling a cup of coffee. Now, remember, there are five hundred people being randomly herded from place to place on short notice, stepping over cables on the floors, lights glaring down, dodging actors, directors, makeup people, everything happening at once. Something could spill. She fumed at the spiller, stomped off (and she was of a size and shape to really stomp), grabbed paper towels, and came back to yell, “This is what pisses me off!” What, a little spillage?

Another prince of a guy whined, “Single file, people. Don’t you know what single file means? Didn’t you go to kindergarten? One at a time is single file.” For the record, I did not go to kindergarten. Nobody paid any attention to him, anyway.

These two are in for a tough life. image

Okay, so your PA gets you onto the set…if this is your first time in movies, well, now it gets interesting.

4. The set looks nothing like whatever it’s supposed to be. Ok, maybe a little, but it’s surrounded by those notorious Green Screens that will, in the final production, make the scene real. Or faux real. 

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Movie magic happens now. First, I watched a guy spitting faux blood onto a precisely predetermined spot for about ten takes. After each take, someone had to clean up the faux blood and then replenish fresh faux blood in the actor’s mouth. The process was monitored closely by a couple of directors, crew with lights, crew with a SteadiCam, makeup artists….all going on at the same time. In the actor’s face.

This is where we put our acting instructions to use. Our direction (from the real director!): “okay, you fans are in an outdoor arena and you are all for the hometown guy. When I say ‘Action’, I want you to go crazy, yelling, screaming, jumping, interacting with each other. High fives, fist pumps, lots of smiles.

“I will also say Noise or No Noise. No Noise means you just mime the crazy yelling and screaming. The actors will be delivering their lines and we have to hear them.” Mime, huh? It was fun, actually. My two new friends and I were the best mimes in the place by the end of the day. And the most enthusiastic screamers!image

Our work has just begun. Stay tuned.

NOTE: photos in this post are not of the actual production.

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So You Want To Be In Movies?

07 Saturday Mar 2015

Posted by Marianne On a Mission in Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

funny stuff, humor, movie production, Movies, ten things list

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NOTE: ALL PHOTOS USED WITH THIS POST ARE STOCK PHOTOS. NO PHOTOS OF THE ACTUAL PRODUCTION HAVE BEEN USED.

Well, who wouldn’t, right? The glamor, the excitement, the bright lights, the fame, the cheering fans……

So when I had the chance to work as an extra in the local area production of a major motion picture, I jumped at the opportunity to add ‘movie actor’ to my life resume. Why not?

The experience I had was many things: exciting, exhausting, boring, frantic, funny…..and much, much more.

I came up with a list of the ten most important things to remember if you want your shot at being on the big screen, just in case you get the acting bug. Here goes:

1. You and five hundred other aspiring ‘stars’ will be warehoused in a big holding area where you will follow shouted orders from very young production assistants. It might be very, very early in the morning.image

2. You will be mingling with The General Public. The General Public comes in all sizes, shapes, colors, ages, delusions of grandeur, and varieties of cleanliness.

image3. You are a prop. You must move when and where the little PAs tell you, in exactly the manner they command, or risk their exasperation and maybe even ridicule.

4. The set looks nothing like whatever it is it’s supposed to be. Ok, maybe a little, but it’s surrounded by those notorious Green Screens that will, in the final production, make the scene real. Or faux real.image

5. You will dress as you’re told. In pre-approved colors. So even if you are indoors and the scene is supposed to be outdoors in cold weather, you will broil in coats, hats, scarves, under the big hot lights.

6. It takes a very long time to do one little piece of a scene. I mean little. It’s done over and over and over…..

7. You will hear all kinds of conversations going on among your fellow extras. You have no idea the kind of things you’ll hear. You will learn new things.

8. You will make new friends, too. Or at least new acquaintances. Be open. Remember: the General Public.

9. You will watch the real stars go through their paces, from stand-ins to rehearsals to takes. Again, it takes a long time. So just be quiet.

10. You will be so exhausted by the final wrap that you will abandon every direction you have been given by those bossy PAs and will do as you please. Also, you and some of your new friends and acquaintances will plot the death of at least one PA. MAYBE MORE. And it will be very late. Very.

So that’s a short intro to what you might expect as you take an entry level job in the motion picture industry. In the next few posts, I’ll elaborate on each of the Ten Points with more details, insights, and descriptions of the fun. Stay tuned!

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Christmas and The Rosh Hoshannah Kid

30 Sunday Nov 2014

Posted by Marianne On a Mission in Uncategorized

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

Christmas, Hannukah, humor, Jewish, Jewish holiday

imageIf you have read my blog a few times, you might recall how I was born on Rosh Hoshannah and delivered by Dr. Nathan Steinberg, an Orthodox Jew. If not, you can go back to September’s posts and learn how I, The Rosh Hoshannah Kid, learned to respect Judaism because of him.

As I grew, ‘Jewish’ to me was still, as I like to say, just another ‘ISH’. And in the Second Street neighborhood in Philadelphia where my dad grew up, and where my brother Harry and I spent many happy times, especially holidays, there were Jewish people we knew well. Like Mr. and Mrs. Bellow, who ran the deli/candy store at the corner; Julius the butcher, who had some funny writing on his store window (dad said it meant Kosher Butcher); Harry Zweig, the painter and paper hanger across the street; and the Weinsteins at the shoe store where we got our school shoes (Buster Brown).

They were JewISH, we were IrISH, and some neighbors were PolISH. As it should be.

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One December day, walking with dad through the forest of Christmas trees for sale at Lamplugh’s (Irish) fruit and vegetable store, I mentioned with seven-year-old concern that it was awfully close to Christmas but Julius and Mrs. Bellow didn’t have their Christmas decorations up yet.

Dad chuckled. “Well, they’re Jewish.”

I knew that. Yeah, so what?

“Jewish people don’t have Christmas.”

How can that be? We ALL have Christmas….let’s not be selfish….we should let them have it, too.

He delivered the news that shook little me right down to my Weinstein Buster Browns:

They don’t want to.

Whoa. Unbelievable. I will never forget the shock! They don’t WANT to? Dad was a great kidder, but that’s not funny. How can they not WANT Christmas?

That was the first time I learned that Jewish wasn’t just an ‘ISH’, but a belief in God, and that Christmas was a religious holiday that had to do with a different belief in God.

Took me many years to come to terms with that but I was a little mollified when I discovered there was a Jewish holiday, Hannukah, happening around the same time as Christmas. It took even longer to grasp the fact that the two are not at all related……but still…..a winter celebration.

Now I’m ready to celebrate everyone’s winter holidays. It’s all about the return of the light to clear the darkness. Always good.

I guess that long ago revelation cleared up a little darkness for me! The Rosh Hoshannah Kid and The Big C: lesson learned!

In honor of Dr. Steinberg, the Bellows, Julius, and the others, I hang a dreidel on my Christmas tree every year, and a little bag of gelt. I think they would like that.

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Merry Christmas!

 

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I’m Welcome! Now Leave Me Alone!

05 Wednesday Nov 2014

Posted by Marianne On a Mission in Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

annoyances, Facebook, funny stuff, humor, marketing, Shopping

I made a post about this on my Facebook page and it generated a lot of chat. Let’s see if you Musings followers agree.

I went into the drugstore to pick up a few things. Here’s how it went:

As soon as I walked in, a voice said, “Welcome to XXX.” I smiled and waved in the general direction of the voice.

About ten more employees continued to Welcome me. After the first Welcome, I’m good. I feel welcome. Okay? Still smiling.

Another five or six relentlessly cheerful people almost followed me through the aisles, making sure I was Welcome and checking to see if I needed help finding anything. All smiles stopped together.

No. I’m browsing. And suppose I was shopping for, say, Heavy Duty Odor Eaters or Maximum Strength Depends? Again, I’m fine. Thanks.

At least two more, after making sure: 1) I felt Welcome and 2) did not need guidance, made sure I was aware that I could get a flu shot, or even shingles vaccine, at the pharmacy, should I be in need of such.

I appreciate your concern for my health. But stop. I got this.

I know this is a marketing strategy, and the corporate marketing powers think this approach makes shoppers feel, well, Welcome. Instead, it is SOOOOO ANNOYING! I feel like I’m being stalked. No, really.

Welcome to my blog. Can I help you find the perfect post today? Oh, sorry, no flu shots here.

When I made this post on Facebook, it immediately generated ten ‘likes’ and comments from everywhere!

A Friend from Jersey, UK, has the same experience when clothes shopping. ‘Can’t I just browse?’

From Virginia: ‘I’d like to know whose master’s degree thesis in Marketing generated this idea.

From New Jersey: ‘Take them by the hand and say, “Oh, yes, I’m looking for the industrial strength Wart Remover! “‘

I don’t mean to criticize the employees so much as I mean to take a swipe at the policy of customer intrusion.

What do you other Musings followers think? Have you had this experience? Is it helpful? How do you respond?

Followers in countries outside the USA, do you have this when you shop? Tell us by commenting here in the blog.

I’m finished the rant now. You are Welcome to reply.

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Marianne Kirby Rhodes

Marianne Kirby Rhodes

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